Let’s talk: Your questions answered
Our resident sexologist answers four of your sex, dating and health questions to set you up for the upcoming months.
Q: I’m nervous about getting a cervical screening for the first time and talking about my sexual health with a doctor. Any advice for getting over the awkwardness and booking the damn appointment?
A: Getting your first cervical screening can feel nerve wracking, and that’s totally normal! But let me reassure you, taking this step is an incredible act of self-care and a way to prioritise your sexual health. Plus, future you will thank you for it.
A great tip is to bring a friend for moral support. If they’re due for their screening too, you could make it a health date and go together because it’s always less daunting when you’re not alone. Remember, the medical professionals performing these screenings are highly trained and experienced. They’ve likely done thousands before and are focused on keeping you safe and healthy.
Don’t hesitate to tell the doctor or nurse that it’s your first screening and that you’re feeling nervous. They’re there to support you and can talk you through the process step by step. Ask them to go slow, use extra lube if needed, and explain anything you’re unsure about. It’s your body, and you deserve to feel as comfortable as possible.
Sexual health check-ups, STI tests, and cervical screenings are empowering steps in taking control of your wellbeing. It gets easier over time, and one quick appointment could genuinely save your life. To celebrate your bravery, treat yourself afterward, whether it’s a scoop of ice cream, a glass of wine, or that little something you’ve had your eye on. You’ve earned it!
Q: How can I tell if I’m turned on?
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A: Feeling turned on, or sexually aroused, involves physical (physiological) and emotional (psychological) changes in your body. Physically, you might notice your clitoris or penis becoming engorged, erect, or sensitive.
For people with vulvas, you may experience increased lubrication, while for those with penises, you might have pre-ejaculate. Your heart rate may quicken, your breathing becomes deeper, and you might feel warmth or a tingling sensation in your genitals. Emotionally, you might feel heightened excitement or desire. Arousal can be triggered by thoughts, physical touch, or emotional connection. Everyone’s experience is unique, so pay attention to what feels good and exciting for you.
Q: My partner’s sex drive is much lower than mine. How do I tell him I need more and what do I do if he can’t give me more?
A: Mismatched sex drives, or desire discrepancy, is incredibly common in relationships. It’s natural for sex drives to fluctuate over time due to stressors, changing hormones, or the ebbs and flows of daily life. The key to navigating it isn’t to stress over the difference but to learn how to communicate and compromise effectively. First, acknowledge that talking about sex can feel awkward, especially if one partner feels pressured or the other feels their needs aren’t being met. The goal here isn’t to ‘fix’ anyone, but to find a balance that feels good for both of you. It’s essential to approach the conversation with empathy, honesty, and a focus on connection.
Start with something like, “I’ve been feeling like we’re not on the same page sexually, and I’d love to explore ways we can meet in the middle.” Understanding how your partner experiences desire is also crucial. Some people have spontaneous desire, meaning they’re ready for intimacy with little prompting, while others have responsive desire, where arousal builds after certain stimuli or conditions are met. If your partner leans towards responsive desire, focus on creating an environment that allows them to feel comfortable and aroused naturally.
This might mean planning time for intimacy, engaging in non-sexual touch (hello oil and massages), or even simply connecting emotionally beforehand (each name three things they love about the other person). And remember, sex isn’t just about penetration. There are so many ways to experience intimacy and feel sexually fulfilled; deep kissing, mutual masturbation, oral, massages, or even dry humping.
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Q: My partner and I are going through a dry spell from being too busy with work/life. How do we get over it and prioritise intimacy in our relationship again?
A: Reconnecting with your partner in the midst of life’s chaos starts with intentionally carving out time for each other. I know some people feel like scheduling intimacy takes away the magic, but honestly, it’s one of the most thoughtful ways to prioritise your relationship. It’s not about losing spontaneity, it’s about making your partner feel valued, even when life gets busy.
Start with a non-negotiable weekly date night. Block it out in your calendar for the next three months and commit to it like you would any other important obligation. Take turns planning the dates, keeping them as creative or as low key as you like; anything from a fancy dinner to a cosy movie night at home, or even a simple walk on the beach followed by a sunset picnic.
The key is spending uninterrupted quality time together. Intimacy isn’t just about sex, it’s about connection. And the more you invest in each other emotionally, the more likely physical intimacy will follow naturally.
Prioritising time for shared experiences builds closeness, rekindles that spark, and creates a foundation where intimacy can thrive.
Think of it as a reset button for your relationship. Relationships take work and it’s always healthy (and smart) to check in and go hey, let’s bring it back to the basics and prioritise connection again!
Got a question for Jamie Bucirde? Send them in to [email protected] to have them answered.
Jamie has a postgraduate degree in sexology from Curtin University.
This article first appeared in issue 46, The Festival Edition of CityMag.
